Do you feel like your kids are pulling you down in life?

I have spoken with many people who have made comments like “if it wasn’t for my kids I would be able to do what I want in life” or “I can’t do that because I have kids”. I am a mother of four and I do not ever recall making those kinds of statements in regards to my life. Nor have I blamed my children for my challenges and hardships. I will say at times it was challenging to find a babysitter for four. There were times in which I had to make a choice to not attend something because I did not have a babysitter. And I know that it was my choice to make.

I have never once felt like my children were ever a burden! We have had challenges along the way. I do not have the most successful kids on the block. We have been through serious illnesses and challenges at school. I do have pretty confident kids and the conversations I have with my kids have been powerful and eye opening for me. When my teens have struggles they come and talk to me. When my young adult son feels challenged or lonely he talks to me. My young daughter tells me what is bothering her and about the boys she wants to go to dances with when she is older.

I recently read an article from Nebraska where parents are dropping off their adolescent to teenage kids to the safe haven. One father who flew from Miami and left his teen behind at the “safe haven”. That tears at my heart. One day I hope to adopt a young girl into our family. I was asking myself what would cause a parent to bring their children at these ages to a “Safe Haven” and just leave them there? Is it because they can not put food on the table? Is it because the children are difficult to handle because the parent was negligent in raising them confidently? Is it because of medical issues that the parent can not afford? Have we as a society let the TV and video games be the babysitter in our busy lives and still expected confident kids? When crisis comes to our homes how are we handling it? Will we abandon those people we are responsible for? Are we seeking support from family, friends, neighbors and our community? I know for some communities times are challenging. How are people reaching for help and support through the tough times?

Raising confident kids is not an easy or simple thing to do! It takes effort from parents, family members and the community. Teaching kids to be confident is very deliberate. Everyday make time to talk with your kids, challenge them to come up with solutions to their problems verses giving them the answer. When I do give solutions I offer several for them to choose from, allowing them to build up their trust to make the right choices in life. Everyday my kids are asked some simple questions like “What are you thankful for?” and “What do you like about yourself?”. Asking questions like these allows them to look at what is important to them and be confident in their answers.

One day my son came home from school and asked me “Mom would you be really mad if I beat someone up?” of course I said yes. Then I asked him what was going on. He shared with me how everyday this one young man kept telling him he was a terrible football player and bad quarterback. He was belittling him in front of the other kids at school, tough time for 13 year olds. I asked my son if he really wanted to beat him up and he said no. I asked him what did he want to see happen. My son told me he just wanted the other boy to stop making comments like that because he was working hard to be a good football player. The solution we came up together was the next time the boy made a comment my son would ask this question “Since you think I am not good at playing football will you step up and teach me how to be better?’. The next day in school he had the opportunity to use his solution. The other boy made comments and my son stepped into action. The results were the other boy told my son he was a good player and apologized for making the comments to impress his friends. They are now friends and work as a team. Are we teaching our kids to be responsible for the things that challenge them? Or just waiting for our kids to get over frustrated and allow violence to be the solution. Or abandon the kids because as a parent we were not willing to be involved.

I asked my sons how they would feel at 13 and 16 to be left at a “safe haven”. They said they will feel like they were not loved and would be very sad and hurt. Imagine what those teens that have been abandoned feel as they have been left at the hospitals in Nebraska. Image if it was you who had been left. How would you feel? As I look back at my childhood, my parents taught me many things in life. Confidence was not one of them. I learned that as I got older. I was taught that as a child I had no say in decisions. I learned that a child can go to bed without supper now and again and would still survive. I learned that pain does hurt and emotional hurts make a bigger scar. Even though I did not often feel loved by my parents it would have been much more difficult to have been abandoned. I love my parents and know that they too had challenges raising four kids.

I traveled to Uganda, Africa last year where many parents are dying from Aids and the kids are working together as a team to build each other up because the parents are very sick and dying. I was able to see the poor conditions these children live in, the huts they live in and the lack of food and healthcare. The babies that were thrown on trash piles and left in public restrooms because of the rapes and lack of food. Yet the people in Uganda that I experienced were not afraid to ask for help. There is enough in America and many times pride will get in our way and stop us from asking for help.

I strive everyday to build the confidence of people around me. I have learned that most people just want to feel like they belong somewhere. Most people want to be part of a family and community. Many times judgment and a feeling of not being accepted push people away and create a feeling of not being loved. Gangs are about being a part of a community. I am choosing to have my family and friends to be part of a community without violence and without hurting others. It is never too late to start building confidence in kids. It is never too late to build confidence as an adult. What are you going to do to build up the confidence in parents so during crisis they choose to get help and support and not abandon the children in their lives? I will offer classes and speak to groups and do what is necessary to help stop the abandonment and violence towards the kids in the world. It is time to step up in the tough times and say people matter first! The time is here to be deliberate with those we are responsible for. Are you willing?